I haven't written in a while. Anywhere.

Many areas of my life have been forgotten. In the midst of planning a wedding (yeah, I'm engaged!) and starting a new job at Sprint, I feel completely unable to focus on anything else. The realization that I'm going to be a pastor's wife has suddenly sunk in and it's scaring me to death. I know that I'm going to be held to some high expectations. I know I'm suddenly responsible for being a better person that I am. I can't forget to pray for people anymore, I have to be sure I never cuss, and what about my lack of compassion for people?

I trust God completely and I love him fully, though I feel like there is some lack of commitment there. I'm not complaining or whining about it, because I know it's my fault. God never leaves us, but he doesn't push himself on us either. He wants us to love him on our own, because we want to; not because we're scared or bribed into it. His love is so perfect that he won't even manipulate us into loving him.

There's a passion for him burning inside me, but it's been buried underneath the everyday tasks. Planning my wedding. Learning at my new job. I know that there is a calling on my, but for what? I really like apologetics. When I read about how to defend my faith, I get excited. I know that God and the Holy Spirit isn't something I can explain with rationality and facts. Faith is involved because not everything can be explained, but as a salesperson, I need facts and answers. Because when someone asks me questions about why I believe in a God, "I just do" isn't a very good answer.

So there's my goal: to build a better relationship with my heavenly father, to find out his will for my life, to learn how to defend my faith, to be a better wife and friend, to let Christ shine through me.

Matthew 5:16

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

it keeps no record of wrongs.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

We've all know this verse. We've seen it a thousand times. We get the idea. As Christians, we are to do our best to display this perfect model of love. There is one thing that stands out to me. One thing I truly struggle with.

"It keeps no record of wrongs."

Let's just be real. A thousand times I have claimed to not be a grudge holder, but I later catch myself recalling to a "wrong" to put it someone's face. To prove that I'm right. To remind a person that they have hurt me. To tell someone they owe me, because once upon a time, they wronged me.

It's a simple little thing that I believe we all do without realizing it. It seems to be especially easy for me to keep record of wrongs towards people I dislike, but also towards my significant other.

In times when I want to bring up a past event to prove myself right, I remember being right doesn't mean I'll be happy. It doesn't mean anything will get better. Most of the time, "being right" isn't the right thing to do. And I remind myself that bringing up wrongs, isn't what love does. And if there is anything I want to learn to do, it's love.

I'm sick of girls (or guys) who have tattoos of scripture on their body, but their facebook pictures show them blatantly being drunken party sluts, or being crude and ill-mannered. It doesn't match up. It's almost like a fake ID. You have your obvious signs to show you are a "christian", and that you "love God", and yet you know absolutely nothing about Christianity or loving God.

We have this idea that in order to be a good christian and supposedly reach others, we have to act like the world to blend in. It's okay to be a christian and cuss, and be drunkards, and have sex, and watch raunchy things on tv, and fill our minds with crap. It's okay to be a christian and talk trash about our coworkers, or tell gossip we don't know. We have this mindset of, "Nobody's perfect! We all have flaws! I can't be uptight and still reach people! I need to blend into the world in order to change the world!"

What?!!??? Oh, because that's what Jesus did, right?... yeeaaaahhhh...

DO NOT BE CONFORMED TO THIS WORLD, BUT CONTINUALLY BE TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF YOUR MINDS, SO THAT YOU MAY BE ABLE TO DETERMINE WHAT GOD'S WILL IS- WHAT IS PROPER, PLEASING, AND PERFECT. (romans 12:2, isv)

Nobody knows what it means to be a Christian anymore. Nobody realizes why we are here. Nobody realizes the power we have through Christ, through the Holy Spirit. I know every day we are beat down by the continual influence and pressure from our peers, but we have to stay strong. We can't be flaunting any fake ID's. The only ID we should have is "what you see is what you get". Let's not put on a front as if we are better than we are. "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment." (Romans 12:3, niv)
I'm not saying it's bad to have scripture tattooed on you, but if you're going to make that step, let's hope you're ready to live out the advertising you're putting out there for the world to see, because hypocritical Christians are what makes the world hate Jesus.

I am not perfect. At all. Neither are you. We are all crappy people. We obviously have talked trash, we've done things we could be ashamed of. We've done things we ARE ashamed of. But if we want things to be better, if we want the world to believe we are truly Christians and believe in a beautiful, loving, powerful & forgiving Christ, than we have to be in a constant state of movement. Movement towards what is right. If you're sick of being a crappy Christian, or ready to live up to the image you put out to the world, I challenge you to try to change. I'm not talking about that "maybe I'll read a psalms a day to make me feel better" kind of change. I'm talking about seeking, praying, holding your tongue, reaching out a hand, softening your heart kind of change. The kind of change that other people can see. The kind of change that makes change.

step. it. up. (and quit being a party slut.)

I feel like it's been so long.

I feel like it's been so long since I've felt God move in a church service. I feel God move in my life, and I can see him moving in my family. I know He is with me for every step I take and I know He has a plan for my life. I know He is moving, but when I sit in church, I don't feel that feeling anymore. I don't feel that "wow" moments, and I don't feel the spirit of God pressing in on me anymore. I don't feel people being changed. Maybe because only the "fixed" are going to the "doctor". I'm not saying He isn't there, I'm just saying I can't feel him. A lot of the time when I'm in church, I feel like it's so hollow. All the songs are about "me" and not about "him".

Tonight I was in a church that sang the words "I'll reach my holy hands to heaven to touch you" (or something along those lines,) and not a single person raised their hands to heaven. Why would you sing a song about raising your hands and not raise your hands? Don't sing the words if you're not going to follow them out. That's why I don't like songs that are "me" based (usually) because they are hollow. Not for the person who wrote them, but for the congregation who is singing them. I feel like people playing in the worship bands are hollow, I feel like the people listening are hollow. I feel like it's an obligation now, not the desire of our hearts. I feel like Sunday is this routine day we go through every week to check it off our list.

"Today I went to church in the morning and pretended to listen to a sermon. Tonight I'll go and pretend to worship."

I'm so sick of it. Today I was in a church where the congregation was singing but no one was raising their hands (except for all the bapticostal guests there). I'm willing to bet that every single one of those kids would raise their hands at a good concert (if they are even allowed to go to concerts -gasp-) and yet they can't raise their hands in church even though the scripture specifically says to.

1 Timothy 2:8 "I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling;"

My blog isn't even about raising hands in worship. It's about church feeling so hollow that it makes me almost dread going there. I'm really looking forward to the beginning of Enamored.

I'm just so bored with church and I'm hoping that there will be life again.

God is moving in my family. My brothers and their friends are all coming to the reality that God is the only thing that will free them from their addictions and their sins. And knowing this, they are becoming new people. And I see this is a true answer to many YEARS of praying. I'm really in awe the way God is doing things... I know he does miracles and I know he is going to use everyone in my family to do ministry and/or do some really great things. :)

I WISH I KNEW MY PURPOSE.
I WISH I KNEW MY CALLING.
I WISH I KNEW MY PURPOSE.
I WISH I KNEW MY CALLING.
I WISH I KNEW MY PURPOSE.
I WISH I KNEW MY CALLING.
I WISH I KNEW MY PURPOSE.
I WISH I KNEW MY CALLING.
I WISH I KNEW MY PURPOSE.
I WISH I KNEW MY CALLING.
I WISH I KNEW MY PURPOSE.
I WISH I KNEW MY CALLING.
I WISH I KNEW MY PURPOSE.
I WISH I KNEW MY CALLING.

Enamored

I'm really really really excited for Enamored. Enamored is the name of the Saturday night service that Keifer is going to be pastoring over, and I'm excited. I'm just really looking forward to seeing how God is going to use this service and the people who attend it. I know Keifer (and I) have really big hopes and dreams and expectations for this church. I can see God blessing this service down the road, and hopefully Keifer will some day have his own church. Maybe not, maybe this Saturday night service will be big enough to not need a Sunday/Wednesday... i don't know. I can't even fathom what God has in store. At all. But I'm really excited. And I am extremely proud. I just have this idea in my head of this group of people, so on fire for Jesus. Not in a weird IHOP/Only-Worship-And-Cry-A-Lot-in-Church type of deal, but true on fire, in love with God kind of deal. I just wonder what we'll do, what we'll change. I hope we'll serve at homeless shelters and do stuff like that. That is Keifer's hopes for this service - to not just be a Saturday night thing, but to be a group of people who live out their relationship with Christ every single day of thew week.

Anyways. That's all!

-Paskie.