I haven't written in a while. Anywhere.

Many areas of my life have been forgotten. In the midst of planning a wedding (yeah, I'm engaged!) and starting a new job at Sprint, I feel completely unable to focus on anything else. The realization that I'm going to be a pastor's wife has suddenly sunk in and it's scaring me to death. I know that I'm going to be held to some high expectations. I know I'm suddenly responsible for being a better person that I am. I can't forget to pray for people anymore, I have to be sure I never cuss, and what about my lack of compassion for people?

I trust God completely and I love him fully, though I feel like there is some lack of commitment there. I'm not complaining or whining about it, because I know it's my fault. God never leaves us, but he doesn't push himself on us either. He wants us to love him on our own, because we want to; not because we're scared or bribed into it. His love is so perfect that he won't even manipulate us into loving him.

There's a passion for him burning inside me, but it's been buried underneath the everyday tasks. Planning my wedding. Learning at my new job. I know that there is a calling on my, but for what? I really like apologetics. When I read about how to defend my faith, I get excited. I know that God and the Holy Spirit isn't something I can explain with rationality and facts. Faith is involved because not everything can be explained, but as a salesperson, I need facts and answers. Because when someone asks me questions about why I believe in a God, "I just do" isn't a very good answer.

So there's my goal: to build a better relationship with my heavenly father, to find out his will for my life, to learn how to defend my faith, to be a better wife and friend, to let Christ shine through me.

Matthew 5:16

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.